Forty-Seven Reasons Why Sex Sucks – 1st Part

Ok, ok. I know how this sounds, but clench your teeth a little and listen. Get it? Clench a little your… well, you know. Sex is not par excellence something that sucks, on the contrary, as the proverbial American joke goes – Sex is like pizza. When it is bad it is still pretty good. And with good reason most of the actions we deliberately perform during our life spans are nothing but steps towards the subconscious purpose of banging yet another person, long live the black agenda forever, like, amirite?

Whether you fill up your bedroom with fur sneakers or you quit your bartender job for a manager position just because the latter is better regarded (because, let’s be serious, being a bartender is like, I don’t know what’s going on, but I ain’t gon jinx it by asking), whether you stop holding your mom’s hand when you reach the age of 7 because girls are looking, just about everything we do has the purpose to ensure our validity as possible sexual partners. Except for the UGGs, maybe. Dudes, uggs is short for uglies.

So. The idea is that sex, by definition, is not weird. We all hunt for it, more or less openly, more or less unconsciously, but exactly because we trouble our head so much in order to get fucking lucky for once and because it’s placed so high upon a pedestal, because as procedure it’s standardized to such a degree and it’s full of unwritten rules, all expectations are bound to crumble sooner than later.

We all know that. It’s happening all the time. So, if you’re seventeen, you saw your first nipple and you’re ready for a life full of involuntary emissions, I’ve put together for you some forty plus situations where sex proved to be an inanity to me, faugh, why did I get myself in it. Bye.

1. When your anatomical enthusiasm dies
Yeah, I know, but I had to start from somewhere. Anyway, don’t get scared. It’s alright. You still are, from most points of view, a man. Just that your le junk died a little bit. That does not necessarily suck. Don’t forget that all women went through adolescence at a certain point and that they are more than used to your moment of vulnerability, and most of them swallow it without problem. Oh, wait, this didn’t sound quite…

Of course, they’ll tell every single friend about your little failure, but believe me, at the present tense, they really want you to overcome this deadlock and get back on the saddle. Uhm. The problem is that your little physiological impasse reverberates throughout your ego. Drop it out. Accept your vulnerability by making a joke or two, or do what I do when woe is me – cut-off any physical contact. End it there. Get up from the bed, go to the window and light a cigarette. As the case may be, you may tell the girl a story completely unrelated and fucked up. You may bring some ice cream for both of you. Do not try by any means to think about something sexy in order to give yourself a jumpstart.

don’t insist! It will get worse /photo source flickr.com

It’s not going to work and all you’re going to achieve is put more pressure on you. Admit that it’s over and do something absolutely confusing for both of you and not involving any physical contact whatsoever. Thus you’ll kill two birds with the same trick – you both take your mind away from the present problem and you create a new context for a pertinent reboot. Believe me, this is about the only thing that works.

Ah, if it doesn’t work, you can always yell and make it look like it’s her fault. It’s completely unethical, but at least this way you exonerate yourself from any responsibility and manage, at least from this point of view, to remain a man. I’m kidding, don’t do that, think a little.

2. When someone chooses to talk dirty to you, simply because.
Don’t get me wrong, I heard some really pertinent speeches over the last few years, but most of the times it simply happened that we were not on the same page.

Like that episode with a babe about eight years my senior, who almost raped me when I was around eighteen years old, uhm, and who, after I spent about three hours in her bed trying to establish a kind of emotional bond through what is called, you know, conversation, yawned and told me as bluntly as possible: “Hey, I called you here to get laid”, after which she continued for almost all the sexual intercourse with a series of structures like: “do me, give me, push your cock, tear my cunt apart” and a bunch of other things deprived of the slightest erotic tinge. The slightest. No rapport alert. Or like that babe I told you about it in another article, “Call Me a Whore”.

If you think that sucks, imagine how embarrassing is to have to decline, let’s say, the same babe while she kneels in the elevator and whispers: “Let me suck your dick again” – and hey, I was eighteen, hearing something like that was like me dream. I overcame it.

3. When you have no place to have sex and you just make compromises
This may seem poetic and, hey, no, yes, it is poetic, probably I got a little older and I need that comfort, you know, like with a bed and everything, ah, I’m already bored all by myself. Anyways, I spent my first three years of sex in all sort of places, like that park where I partially lost my virginity sometime after school, among the granpas out for a walk.

                                   doesn’t look too comfortable/ photo source flickr.com/ photo by GreggMP

Or that other park where I tried to bang a babe and I ended up running away from a band of five dogs that would be considered extremely wild by all standards. Like that men restroom where I banged a sweetie while her boyfriend was using the urinal on the other side of the door. Like the other toilet where for the first time I brought to orgasm a babe who was quite ok until she rested her cheek on the urinal and afterwards had no idea why I refused to kiss her.

Like the tram where I received a blowjob, even if the tram was not actually empty. Like that writers’ bar where, by all appearances, you could get a great handjob under the table without anyone noticing. Like that theatre loge where I came within an ace of doing something noteworthy had I learnt at that age how to get past a pantyhose. And had I not been caught by some diligent parents. Hey, this thing doesn’t suck in the least, gosh-what-was-I-thinking-about.

4. When other people do it in the same bunk-bed where you lie, on the lower bed, trying to sleep despite the incontrollable shaking at three a.m. You know who you are, you were bloody mothafuckas.

5. When you really have to pee, but you were greedy and haven’t define your priorities. You deserve it. You super deserve it.

6. When you are fucking a teen on the desk in her bedroom and her mom is cleaning with the vacuum around the door. And the babe has her head bent backwards. And moans. And slaps her breasts. Do I need to go in further details?

7. Handjobs.
Ok, this one is a rather parasexual practice, but I have to elaborate a little. Gurls, what the actual fuck. I don’t know whether I ever knew a babe to give me a handjob without making me fear for my corporal integrity, and one of them was a fucking doctorrr – three exclamation marks!!!

photo source flickr.com/ photo by K. Waldron

What makes you think that that modest piece of meat is not at least half as vulnerable and sensitive like any other part of the skin? If handled (get it? Han-dled? Hey, I’m trying hard here) inappropriately, the guy will be afraid he’ll lose, uhm, various stuff, beginning with erection, skin, blood, lymph and ending with, I don’t know, health insurance, job and others, don’t ask.

Lubrication is essential, the, uhm, handling direction must be extremely precise, without variations to the left or to the right variations and, honestly, everything must stay pretty much in place. Also, don’t rely on the natural lubrication of your garçon, cause it will never be enough for this special practice. How do u not know that already?!

8. When there’s too much alcohol involved and at a certain point the girl asks you to turn her on one side and go on alone for awhile, lest she will vomit. Tru story, bruh.

9. In the water. Am I the only one around here who hates it in the bathtub? Come on, guys.

10. One night stands
Ok, I know that we all are educated to believe that this is the ultimate sex validity voucher that one can get, because you are obviously desired without having to charm someone, and it is true, but somebody has to dissipate a little this myth. Sex is super bad when you are sleeping with someone you don’t know. It’s nothing more than a pop quiz and chances are you’ll fail. You don’t know the other person’s sexual preferences, you aren’t necessarily willing to expose yours, as you fear of rejection and/or shame and, concisely, you end up having some standard sex, because common denominator and safe zone and, physically speaking, it’s quite unsatisfactory.

Not to mention the postlude, which is super cringe, bruh. What do you do after riding an unknown person? Do you hold him/her in your arms? Do you cuddle him/her on your chest? Do you caress his/her head? Do you turn on your side and fall asleep? Do you get up and go home? Do you ask if they have something in the fridge? Do you ask for cab money? Whaaat do you dooo? What do you do if you want to let the other person know that you would like things to go on between you?

Nothing, of course, because you don’t know whether this is mutual or not. What do you do if you don’t want to convey this, because you don’t want it? Do you act coldly? What do you do with a babe sitting on the same bed sheet with you, snorting in frustration because you weren’t exactly up to the expectations? What do you do with a guy that failed big time and regrets his life in full view next to you?

When you have the smallest emotional bond with that person, you may very well laugh and say: “good grief, what the fuck I’ve done…”, you can fall asleep on him or her without feeling out of place, you could even tell him or her that he/she has no idea what is doing and none of that will sound bad. Hey, you could throw the condom at the person and tell him/her to stop laughing and it won’t sound bad. It’s never easy to lose your virginity in front of someone, but if you don’t know anything about that person, it will leave in your mouth a bad taste, bitter than you know what. Why would you do something like that to yourself?

There’s a long way to forty-seven, but be reasonable. I’ve just started.

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