I became the virtual confidential friend of a well-known actor. For personal reasons which I respect, we agreed that I will not reveal his identity, but I . I decided to call him simply Anonymous.
Sexpectation: name 3 characteristics that best define your personality.
Anonymous: it’s very difficult for me to say. Paradoxically, perhaps ten years ago I would have been more assertive. As I get older (!) I find that I don’t quite know anything thoroughly.
I can’t describe myself in any particular way: not tall, not short, not ugly, not beautiful, not skinny, not fat, not bad or good. The one certainty I still have about me is that sometimes I can be funny.
Sexpectation: How do you prepare for a role?
Anonymous: I read the text, I ask which role I’m going to play, I learn the lines of my role, I recite on the stage the lines of my role.
Sexpectation: Do you have admirers waiting for you after a play you’re in?
Anonymous: it depends on the season. As a general rule, things are evolving more or less as it follows:
Starting point: you’re the best actor!
End station: Go fuck your mother, you haughty twerp!
A chick notices you, she writes to you on Facebook saying she likes you; you (that’s me) reply something polite, in order to make her buy a ticket to your other performances; then she comes to the rest of the performances and generally here’s where the things start to take a turn for the worse. By some means or other, she senses that a special bond has been created and, as she discovers me, she feels somewhat entitled to all kind of things.
After seeing all my performances, she begins (and it’s quite normal, as a matter of fact) to have an opinion about my “performances” in the field. And little by little, from the spectator-admirer position, the young lady evolves, for reasons my limited mind has yet to understand, to that of a guiding-professor. She omits that nobody asked for her opinion, that everything in theatre is a matter of taste, so there are as many opinions as there are men. But to answer your question, while they still admire me and before they unleash the bombardments on Facebook, they wait for me after almost every show.
Then they realize that:
– after every show I have one reason or another to disappear instantly
– I stop replying to all her Facebook messages. Especially those sent at 3 AM that hardly say anything. For instance: “Heey!! How are you?? I woke up to drink a glass of water and I remembered you shared that video with Bruce Lee – Be like water, my friend and I thought to write a message loool how are you??!”. And then those passive-aggressive, something like: “wow, you’re online and like Tasty.com, but you don’t have time to reply to a teeny-weeny message hahaa”.
– then they become aggressive and demanding to the point where I unsoundly eff and blind them. And from here there are two possibilities, depending on the madwoman’s character (because anybody who does that is mad)
a) they completely ignore me without deleting me from their friend list: they don’t bless me anymore with the daily like, but they don’t forget to lurk the smallest trace of virulence in any comment about me, being the first one to like it.
b) they cuss at me like a sailor and release the beast that was lying latent inside them. In this case, many times it comes to extremely funny and surprising things: “you tiny-dick ham actor”, “mediocre Deniro” “Paul Nobody”, “Brad the pits” and such like.
I would like to specify that they not only psychos, but ugly, all of them. I don’t believe in labels and I don’t like categorizing people, but that’s how it is. Probably because a balanced woman wouldn’t allow herself to get into a similar situation and presumably would have other emotional resorts.
Sexpectation: and still, admit it, how many times did you date your admirers?
Anonymous: once. After which I came to the conclusions described at point-3.
Sexpectation: the most doubtful suggestion from an admirer?
Anonymous: there was this girl working as a manger or something like that at a fancy and famous hotel in Bucharest. She invited me to spend a night over there. Till here nothing extremely suspicious, some would say. Funny in the beginning, then suspicious, were the baits thrown at me: that we can eat and drink there everything we want, including red caviar and Veuve Cliquot champagne, that we can sleep tight, that they have a Jacuzzi and that, in the mean time, her ovaries are “like raisins”, because they stopped developing at the age of 13, so if push comes to shove, I don’t have to worry for the contraception.
This last argument was reeled off as naturally as the former ones. I was probably expected to say something like: “look, I don’t go crazy for red caviar, but the raisin stuff definitely convinced me”. I didn’t go, just in case you wonder. Although I like red caviar.
Sexpectation: the most humiliating sexual experience?
Anonymous: I met a girl, roommate of an actress friend. Without too much of an introduction, we’ve decided that we liked each other. To be honest, I was attracted by her boobs, cause we didn’t do too much talking. I saw her walking around the house in pajamas while I was visiting my colleague for a morning coffee.
So, one evening we had dinner out and then I went to her place. I confess that during our dinner I noticed we didn’t had too much in common, but the image of her slightly hardened nipples through the T-shirt in the morning’s breeze made me ignore everything, including her way of talking. I made with the waiter a few “jests” to which she laughed and shouted: “Com’on, you’re quite a pound cake!” What?! So the signs were there. But my cock said: “No boss, we’re daredevils”.
We paid for the dinner and went up. With the elevator. She stops the elevator between floors (!yes!) and says: “Ladylove, but you’ll be good, isn’t it, ladylove?”, and then puts a finger in my mouth and gets the elevator going again, leaving me to think, while I suck a finger tasting like an elevator-button: “WTF, is this why she stopped the elevator? And WAIT A SEC: she calls me ladylove, why the fuck is she calling me ladylove?”
Anyway, we go up. We do a little rubbing, take our clothes off. No trace of a hard-on. Simply and solely there were too many “ladylove” and other loutish terms. I look at my member and I say to myself: “what’s up, Jimmy, you get me up here and you leave me alone on the front line?!”
To add the last straw, the chick was playing the hard-to-get card, as if I wanted her badly and she was giving reluctantly in. An awkward scenario, to say the least, given the situation. The salvation came once more from my friend, through which I’ve met the nice-boobed nuisance. As I realize they have a double bed in which they both sleep, I stuck my face in my friend’s pillow and somehow I managed to rustle up an erection based mostly on this bridge, as the only somewhat authentic element of my presence there was my friendship with that girl.
After I put my condom on and I ride her rather absentminded, focused only on the boobs (which unfortunately lost their charm), the babe takes the reins and goes on top. She fucks me a little with some well-choreographed but useless moves. And then she gives me the deathblow. She leans over me and whispers:
– C’mon ladylove, tell me nice things, ladylove…
– Errr… Sorry?!…
– C’mon, tell me nice things, ladylove, tell me nice things into my ear, ladylove…
“Probably this is how communicates a gibbon that likes chatterboxes in bed”, I thought, and, after a long ordeal, all I could strive to say was a:
– …mmhh… nice boobs you have…
She stops suddenly, displays an obvious disappointment and says:
– Not like that, ladylove, tell me nice things, ladylove…
I don’t remember exactly how I slipped out of that situation. The fact is that, at the end, as I was striving to tie my shoelaces, big-tits asks me:
– Ladylove, do you have a girlfriend, ladylove?
“Shit fuck, she realized I didn’t feel at all the thing and she thinks I’m cheating on my girlfriend”.
– No… how could I have one…
– Well, now you have, ladylove…
I gave her a smile phonier than the one displayed as a first grader in the picture with the spelling book or than at Rihanna’s live concerts, and run down the stairs. “Our good Lord allots tits in an absolutely random manner”, I think.
Sexpectation: how often does it happen to have a sexual tension created between you and your female colleagues during a project?
Anonymous: more and more seldom. Actresses are a species I try to stay away from. It happened in the past.
Sexpectation: an universally accepted rule says we shouldn’t have sexual relationships at work. What do you think about it?
Anonymous: I agree. But not for ethical reasons. For the simple reason that passions wear-out, but common projects stay. And you might find yourself forced to meet every day a person that you have frictions with.
Of course, if the whole thing would be strictly sexual and everybody would really get this, it shouldn’t affect in the least the actual work.
Sexpectation: what would be your stage name as an actor in adult movies?
Anonymous: Alfred Hugecock
Sexpectation: while we’re talking about adult movies, let’s pretend you are at a casting for such a production. I’m the producer and I’m going to ask a few questions:
1. Are you an active or passive type of person?
Anonymous: I’m not very sure I understand the question. I like both to take control and being dominated. The second is riskier. I mean, up to now I hadn’t had an experience of being dominated and like it, but I dream of how it should be. And I believe the right person is somewhere out there.
2. If you could be an animal, what would you choose to be and why?
Anonymous: a rabbit. Because it eats healthy and fucks non-stop.
3. Let’s say you got the role. What are your three major concerns about it?
Anonymous: cumming at the wrong moment or even not coming at all (depending on the situation); being in a movie with those kind of fake shit that kills my erection; having an ok partner(s); being inhibited by the whole movie crew.
4. If you don’t get the part, do you have a plan B?
Anonymous: no, this is my only solution!!! Please give me the role!!!!
5. What would be your last words before finishing the movie?
Anonymous: Piece of cake, I pierced her through!
Sexpectation: the sexiest actress is…
Anonymous: she’s not the most beautiful, but when I read sexy I thought of Cameron Diaz.
Sexpectation: the sexiest actress in adult movies?
Anonymous: Alina Plugaru… NOT! Asa Akira, Tera Patrick or Sasha Grey
Sexpectation: Your birthday is coming soon. What do you want for it?
Anonymous: to be happy. Or a sloppy blowjob that would make me happy.