My personal and incomplete story of BDSM

“I can’t dance. I know how, but I can’t. I’m afraid to do something wrong and I’m very aware of every move I make – and all of them seem to me clumsy, wrong. I concentrate too much. I concentrate until any trace of spontaneity or amusement disappears. I control myself to such a degree that eventually I give up.

   photo source flickr.com

And I do it just out of fear. I don’t like it when people laugh around me and I don’t know exactly why they laugh. I always get the impression they laugh at me. The assumption is, of course, that the people around don’t like me, that there’s something wrong with me.
Hence the control-obsession: it’s the attempt to control something uncontrollable by imposing a greater control on myself, in the case of dance.

In sex, this translates into BDSM. Anyway, sex is built on power dynamics and control – exerted and accepted. What BDSM does is to bring them to surface, emphasize and clarify them.

I have contradictory tendencies in this regard. For someone who wishes to control the uncontrollable things in his or her life, what could be more interesting than the explicit, clear control over the Other, over the uncontrollable in the true sense of the word?

For someone paralyzed by the too tight control over his or her own self, what could be more appealing than the clear, explicit surrender of this control?Both set free, one by fulfilling the desire of control, the other by relieving the burden of control.

BDSM sets free. It sets free from fear and shame. It sets free from the anger generated by them, an anger that no longer makes sense when its causes are eradicated. It also gives you self-confidence.”

   photo source flickr.com

This fragment was sent to me by my current boyfriend, a few weeks after he told me about his erotic fantasies. I think I’m very lucky: I didn’t believe that there was any chance to meet a man fit for me and at the same time into BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism). I’m into it too. It’s seems a sort of orientation for me: I remember playing with the dolls and imagining them as little beings involved in power-sex games.

Those were the first porn movies I looked up for when I had internet at home, my first erotic fantasies. Early in my 20s, I found a Romanian forum that no longer exists and I was amazed to see that so many men are looking for dominating partners. I couldn’t believe something like that exists in Bucharest, in real life.

I started writing on that forum, and another dominant woman invited me for tea at her place. I went, we became friends, I met the small community existing back then (about 20-30 people meeting in secret at various tea houses) and I found compatible partners. For several years I felt like the kid in the candy store and I experimented full of hunger and enthusiasm.

    photo source Pinterest

I met someone who was indentifying as fluid gender (as me) and bisexual: we had a long relationship, and even lived in the same house for a while, we fell in love. Within four walls she – in public he – was submissive to me 24/7, with few limits that involved job, family and extreme body changes. In our relationship, she was monogamous, I was poly. We had penetrative sex, during which she was penetrating me with the penis, maybe 5 times or so, but we interacted erotically daily in other ways. I find penetrative sex to be boring and I don’t like it particularly; I can live happily all my life without it.

It was for the first time in my life and the first relationship in which I felt free, erotically, but also as regards the gender expression.

After we broke up, I ran a sort of campaign in order to meet all kind of submissive people, wanting another stable relationship in which to explore again this side of my sexuality. I wanted somebody to be politically, socially, emotionally compatible with me, to integrate in my life and in the future I was imagining. It was a ticklish process, because with every new person I felt like a virgin taking everything from scratch, and it was emotionally exhausting to keep meeting people that weren’t as I wanted them to be. I came to the conclusion that it was better to live without BDSM.

There were vanilla people that I liked. Somehow I got used to boring sex, although I have a lesser libido and a smaller enthusiasm than I think it’s normal, judging by my friends’ stories. I was consoling myself when my partners had a fetish (or more), but it was not quite perfect. For some good years I was erotically frustrated. I don’t know what will happen from now on and I don’t know how I’ve changed in the meantime, but I’m glad I have the opportunity to discover. Perhaps I’ll write more specifically about BDSM when it will reappear in my life.

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